Word play: Gargoyle

The Washington Post has published the winning submissions to its yearly contest, in which readers are asked to supply alternate meanings for common words. One of the winners is:

Gargoyle, n. Olive-flavored mouthwash.

The English language needs this...

Thanks to the Episcopal Padre!

Maathai on the causes of conflict

In a few decades, the relationship between the environment, resources, and conflict may seem almost as obvious as the connection we see today between human rights, democracy, and peace.

- Wangari Maathai
Kenyan environmentalist, political activist,
and 2004 Nobel Peace Prize Laureate
as quoted on God's Politics

Tech support call

Tech support: Okay Bob, let’s press the control and escape keys at the same time. That brings up a task list in the middle of the screen. Now type the letter “P” to bring up the Program Manager.
Customer: I don’t have a P.
Tech support: On your keyboard, Bob.
Customer: What do you mean?
Tech support: “P”… on your keyboard, Bob.
Customer: I’M NOT GOING TO DO THAT!

Source: funnymos.com

Six Bad Days

1. The average cost of rehabilitating a seal after the Exxon Valdez oil spill in Alaska was $80,000. At a special ceremony, two of the most expensively saved animals were released back into the wild amid cheers and applause from onlookers. A minute later, in full view, they were both eaten by a killer whale.

2. A psychology student in New York rented out her spare room to a carpenter in order to nag him constantly and study his reactions. After weeks of needling, he snapped and beat her repeatedly with an axe leaving her mentally retarded.

3. In 1992, Frank Perkins of Los Angeles made an attempt on the world flagpole-sitting record. Suffering from the flu he came down eight hours short of the 400-day record, his sponsor had gone bust, his girlfriend had left him and his phone and electricity had been cut off.

4. A woman came home to find her husband in the kitchen, shaking frantically with what looked like a wire running from his waist towards the electric kettle. Intending to jolt him away from the deadly current, she whacked him with a handy plank of wood by the back door, breaking his arm in two places. Until that moment, he had been happily listening to his ipod.

5. Two animal rights protesters were protesting the cruelty of sending pigs to a slaughterhouse in Bonn, Germany. Suddenly the pigs, all two thousand of them, escaped through a broken fence and stampeded, trampling the two hapless protesters to death.

And finally...
6. Iraqi terrorist, Khay Rahnajet, didn't pay enough postage on a letter bomb. It came back with "return to sender" stamped on it. Forgetting it was the bomb, he opened it and was blown to bits.

There now! Your day's not so bad, is it?

Thanks to X-Mrs. Karl!

No More Shopping

My wife can be a little demanding at times. For example, she insists that I accompany her when she wants to do some shopping at Target. Unfortunately, like most men, I find shopping to be more than a little boring and I prefer to get in and get the stuff I want and go. Equally unfortunate, my wife is like most women - she loves to browse and look at everything. Well, yesterday my dear wife received the following letter from the local Target store.

Dear Mrs Karl,
Over the past six months, your husband has caused quite a commotion in our store. We cannot tolerate this behavior and have been forced to ban both of you from the store. Our complaints against your husband are listed below and are documented by our video surveillance cameras.
1. June 15: He took 24 boxes of condoms and randomly put them in other people's carts when they weren't looking.
2. July 2: Set all the alarm clocks in Housewares to go off at 5-minute intervals.
3. July 7: He made a trail of tomato juice on the floor leading to the woman's restroom.
4. July 19: Walked up to an employee and told her in an official voice, "Code 3 in Housewares. Get on it right away". This caused the employee to leave her assigned station and receive a reprimand from her Supervisor that in turn resulted with a union grievance, causing management to lose time and costing the company money.
5. August 4: Went to the Service Desk and tried to put a bag of M&Ms on layaway.
6. August 14: Moved a "CAUTION - WET FLOOR" sign to a carpeted area.
7. August 15: Set up a tent in the camping department and told the children shoppers he'd invite them in if they would bring pillows and blankets from the bedding department to which twenty children obliged.
8. August 23: When a clerk asked if they could help him he began crying and screamed, "Why can't you people just leave me alone?" EMTs were called.
9. September 4: Looked right into the security camera and used it as a mirror while he picked his nose.
10. September 10: While handling guns in the hunting department, he asked the clerk where the antidepressants were.
11. October 3: Darted around the store suspiciously while loudly humming the "Mission Impossible" theme.
12. October 6: In the auto department, he practiced his "Madonna look" by using different sizes of funnels.
13. October 18: Hid in a clothing rack and when people browsed through, yelled PICK ME! PICK ME!"
14. October 21: When an announcement came over the loud speaker, he assumed a fetal position and screamed "OH NO! IT'S THOSE VOICES AGAIN!"
And last, but not least:
15. October 23: Went into a fitting room, shut the door, waited awhile, then yelled very loudly, "Hey! There's no toilet paper in here". One of the clerks passed out.

Thanks to X-Mrs. Karl!

RF: No friends :-(

Sign at a camping site in Germany's Black Forest

It is forbidden for people of different sex, for instance men and women, to sleep in the same tent unless married to each other for that purpose. 

The archbishop apologizes to the LGBT community

The archbishop of the Evangelical Lutheran Church of Finland (ELCF), Kari Mäkinen, has apologized on behalf of the ELCF to homosexuals and other sexual minorities for the cruelty with which both church and society has treated them.
According to Mäkinen, homosexuals have during the years been repulsed in the society and in the church, with references to illness, crime or a special sinfulness. “It is a cruel part of the Finnish story, and also of the story of the church,” he said in a speech on July 14, 2014.
He estimates that the cruelty is subtler that before, but has not been erased. It exists e.g. in the forms of silence, repulsion and looking past a person. And cruelty is always the same, even if it is invisible, motivated by religious or "natural" arguments, or covered with a tolerance that is looking from above.

Religious job prospects

A Catholic priest and a Rabbi are talking about job prospects.
"Well," says the priest, "there's a good chance that I'll be the next bishop, maybe within the next couple of years."
"Bishop!" marvels the Rabbi, "very nice. And after that?"
"Oh, I don't know, I suppose it's possible I could become Archbishop, given luck and God's blessing."
"Very nice, very nice; and after Archbishop?"
"Ha! Well, you know, it's Cardinal after that, but it's really very unlikely. But in theory, I could become a Cardinal."
"Lovely!" enthuses the Rabbi, "the scarlet would suit your complexion. So what's after Cardinal?"
The priest smiles. "After Cardinal? Well, it's Pope. But I'm hardly likely to become . . . hmmm, oh I suppose it's just possible. If a Pole can, why not an Englishman again? Yes, I could just become Pope."
"Splendid! I would take personal pride in your becoming the Pope. And after Pope what?"
The priest looks at him in surprise, "After Pope? There's nothing after Pope! I mean, there's just God above the Pope. I can't become God."
"So why not?" the Rabbi said, "one of our boys made it."

Thanks to MadPriest!