Religious job prospects

A Catholic priest and a Rabbi are talking about job prospects.
"Well," says the priest, "there's a good chance that I'll be the next bishop, maybe within the next couple of years."
"Bishop!" marvels the Rabbi, "very nice. And after that?"
"Oh, I don't know, I suppose it's possible I could become Archbishop, given luck and God's blessing."
"Very nice, very nice; and after Archbishop?"
"Ha! Well, you know, it's Cardinal after that, but it's really very unlikely. But in theory, I could become a Cardinal."
"Lovely!" enthuses the Rabbi, "the scarlet would suit your complexion. So what's after Cardinal?"
The priest smiles. "After Cardinal? Well, it's Pope. But I'm hardly likely to become . . . hmmm, oh I suppose it's just possible. If a Pole can, why not an Englishman again? Yes, I could just become Pope."
"Splendid! I would take personal pride in your becoming the Pope. And after Pope what?"
The priest looks at him in surprise, "After Pope? There's nothing after Pope! I mean, there's just God above the Pope. I can't become God."
"So why not?" the Rabbi said, "one of our boys made it."

Thanks to MadPriest!

A cure for constipation

It's a slow night at a local pub in Ireland, and the owner is polishing some glasses and thinking of closing up early, when he hears a knock at the back door.
He opens it, and there in the alley are two nuns, Sister Mary and Sister Kate, both are looking up and down the alley, as if they don't want to be seen. They ask to be invited in, and the owner brings them into the kitchen.
"We've a favor to ask," explains Sister Kate. "It's not for us, you understand, but for poor Father Tim."
"He's been struck with an awful case of constipation," continues Sister Mary. "And they only thing that seems to help is a bit of whisky. Now we'd buy it ourselves, but this town being as full of gossips as it is, we don't want to start tongues to wagging."
"Now as a good, church-going man, we've come to ask if you might spare a little something for poor Father Tim, and to use your discretion in the doing of it," finishes Sister Kate.
"Of course, Sisters," replies the barman, and he returns with a full bottle of the best whisky. "Give this to Father Tim with my compliments, and my best wishes for a speedy recovery."

An hour or two passes, and the barman closes shop and drives home. As he's driving, he sees Sister Mary and Sister Kate arm-in-arm, walking down the road, and singing at the top of their lungs. Sister Mary is carrying the bottle, which has perhaps an inch left in it. He slows and rolls down the window as he brakes to a stop.
"Sisters," he says' "I'm ashamed of you. You told me the whisky was for Father Tim's constipation."
"Ah, but it is," replies Sister Mary. "We're headed that way now, and when Father Tim sees us in this condition, the man is likely to shit himself."

Thanks to MadPriest!

St. Valentine performed illegal marriages

On February 14 around the year 278 A.D., Valentine, a holy priest in Rome in the days of Emperor Claudius II, was executed,

History.com reports. Interestingly enough, Claudius II died in 270; in 278, Probus was emperor. But hey...

Under the rule of Claudius the Cruel, Rome was involved in many unpopular and bloody campaigns. The emperor had to maintain a strong army, but was having a difficult time getting soldiers to join his military leagues. Claudius believed that Roman men were unwilling to join the army because of their strong attachment to their wives and families.
To get rid of the problem, Claudius banned all marriages and engagements in Rome. Valentine, realizing the injustice of the decree, defied Claudius and continued to perform marriages for young lovers in secret.
When Valentine's actions were discovered, Claudius ordered that he be put to death. Valentine was arrested and dragged before the Prefect of Rome, who condemned him to be beaten to death with clubs and to have his head cut off. The sentence was carried out on February 14, on or about the year 270.

Legend also has it that while in jail, St. Valentine left a farewell note for the jailer's daughter, who had become his friend, and signed it "From Your Valentine."
For his great service, Valentine was named a saint after his death.

In truth, the exact origins and identity of St. Valentine are unclear. According to the Catholic Encyclopedia, "At least three different Saint Valentines, all of them martyrs, are mentioned in the early martyrologies under the date of 14 February." One was a priest in Rome, the second one was a bishop of Interamna (now Terni, Italy) and the third St. Valentine was a martyr in the Roman province of Africa.

Wikipedia has more information. 

As a comment on this: What would happen today to a pastor or priest who performs illegal marriages? Would they be killed? Probably not, at least in Finland. Other sanctions would occur, however.
But whom are we not allowed to marry today? Do I have to spell it out?...

Happy Valentine's Day to all!

The nuns' first hot dogs

Two Irish nuns have just arrived in USA by boat and one says to the other, "I hear that the people in this country actually eat dogs."
"Odd," her companion replies, "but if we shall live in America, we might as well do as the Americans do."
Nodding emphatically, the mother superior points to a hot dog vendor and they both walk towards the cart.
"Two dogs, please," says one.
The vendor is only too pleased to oblige and he wraps both hot dogs in foil and hands them over the counter. Excited, the nuns hurry over to a bench and begin to unwrap their "dogs."
The mother superior is first to open hers. She begins to blush and then, staring at it for a moment, leans over to the other nun and whispers cautiously: "...What part did you get?"

Thanks to Mrs. Karl!

The wrong side of the bed

Mother Superior was on her way to late morning prayers, when she passed two novices just leaving early morning prayers, on their way to classes. As she passed the young ladies, Mother Superior said, 'Good morning, ladies.'
The novices replied, 'Good morning, Mother Superior, may God be with you.'
But after they had passed, Mother Superior heard one say to the other, 'I think she got out of the wrong side of the bed this morning.'
This startled Mother Superior, but she chose not to pursue the issue.

A little further down the hall, Mother Superior passed two of the Sisters who had been teaching at the convent for several years. She greeted them with, 'Good morning, Sister Martha, Sister Jessica, may God give you wisdom for our students today.'
'Good morning, Mother Superior. Thank you, and may God be with you.'
But again, after passing, Mother Superior overheard, 'She got out of the wrong side of bed today.'

Baffled, she started to wonder if she had spoken harshly, or with an irritated look on her face. She vowed to be more pleasant. Looking down the hall, Mother Superior saw retired Sister Mary approaching, step by step, with her walker. As Sister Mary was rather deaf, Mother Superior had plenty of time to arrange a pleasant smile on her face, before greeting Sister Mary.
'Good morning, Sister Mary. I'm so happy to see you up and about. I pray God watches over you today, and grants you a wonderful day.'
'Ah, Good morning, Mother Superior, and thank you. I see you got up on the wrong side of bed this morning.'
Mother Superior was floored!
'Sister Mary, what have I done wrong? I have tried to be pleasant, but three times already today, people have said that about me.'
Sister Mary stopped her walker, and looked Mother Superior in the face.
'Oh, don't take it personally, Mother Superior. It's just that you're wearing Father Murphy's slippers!!' 

Thanks to MadPriest!

The nun and the cabbie

A cabbie picks up a Nun. She gets into the cab, and notices that the VERY handsome cab driver won't stop staring at her.
She asks him why he is staring. He replies: "I have a question to ask, but I don't want to offend you."
She answers, " My son, you cannot offend me. When you're as old as I am and have been a nun as long as I have, you get a chance to see and hear just about everything. I'm sure that there's nothing you could say or ask that I would find offensive."
"Well, I've always had a fantasy to have a nun kiss me."
She responds, "Well, let's see what we can do about that: #1, you have to be single and #2, you must be Catholic."
The cab driver is very excited and says, "Yes, I'm single and Catholic!"
"OK" the nun says. "Pull into the next alley."
The nun fulfills his fantasy with a kiss that would make a hooker blush.

But when they get back on the road, the cab driver starts crying.
"My dear child," said the nun, "Why are you crying?"
"Forgive me but I've sinned. I lied and I must confess; I'm married and I'm Jewish."
The nun says, "That's OK. My name is Kevin and I'm going to a Halloween party."

Thanks to Mrs. Karl!

Latvia: Churches defend "traditional family values"

Leaders of the Lutheran, Catholic, Baptist and Adventist churches in Latvia have criticized a new social science school textbook that describes gay and lesbian life as a ”normal aspect of sexuality.” The Latvian Ministry of Education is giving in to the Churches’ demands, and that, in turn, is criticized by local representatives of sexual- minorities.
The Churches promise to continue to defend ”traditional family values”. ”The church isn't alone in its traditional view of the family in Latvia,” said Ivars Kubcis, spokesman for the country's Evangelical Lutheran church (ELCL).

About a quarter of the Latvians are Lutherans and Catholics, respectively, while some six per cent are Orthodox.
Latvia decriminalized homosexuality as late as 1993, and was the last EU member to forbid discrimination of homosexuals in 2006.

Latvian churches reiterate condemnation of homosexuality (ENInews 17.6.11)
Latvian kirkot paheksuvat oppikirjaa (Kotimaa24 23.6.11)



Estonia: "We do not tolerate homosexuality"

The Estonian Justice Chancellor Indrek Teder made a statement in May 2011, saying that Estonia should start registering partnerships, since the present system with exclusively heterosexual marriages doesn't give same-sex couples enough protection. In his opinion, the Constitution wouldn't bar a gender neutral marriage law, but that the time isn't ripe as yet. In 2010, the Conservative government stopped the preparations of a law on registered partnerships, but now the country has a new government.
In July, the Estonian Council of Churches (Eesti Kirikute Nõukogu), an ecumenical body consisting of the leaders of the Evangelical Lutheran and the Roman Catholic churches, the two Orthodox churches (Moscow and Constantinople) working in Estonia, and a number of Free Churches, sent an open letter to the Ministry of Justice as a reaction to the Chancellor's statement. "The Council of Churches does not tolerate homosexuality," they wrote, and claim that the traditional marriage is a guarantee for the stability of the Estonian people and the Estonian State.
Most regrettable.

Õiguskantsler: samasoolistel peab olema võimalus kooselu registreerida (Postimees 23.5.11)
Õiguskantsler soovitab samasooliste partnerlussuhted reguleerida (Delfi 23.5.11)
Postimees: Viron oikeuskansleri haluaa Viroon rekisteröidyn parisuhteen (Ranneliike 23.5.11)
Viron kirkot ilmoittavat, etteivät ne suvaitse homoseksuaalisuutta (Ranneliike 9.7.11)



The causes of arthritis

A man who reeked of alcohol flopped on a subway seat next to a priest. The man's tie was stained, his face was plastered with red lipstick, and a half empty bottle of rum was sticking out of his ripped jacket pocket.
He opened his newspaper and started reading. After a few minutes, the disheveled guy turned to the priest and asked: "Say, Father, do you know what causes arthritis?"
The priest, disgusted by the man's appearance and behavior snapped: "It's caused by loose living, being with cheap, wicked women, too much alcohol, and a contempt for your fellow man!"
"Well, I'll be," the man muttered and returned to his newspaper.
The priest, thinking about what he had said, nudged the man and apologized, "I'm sorry to have come on so strong - I didn't mean it. How long have you been suffering from arthritis?"
"I don't have it, Father. I was just reading here that the Pope does."

Thanks to Nina
- and to MadPriest!

Ecumenical News International News Highlights

First woman to lead Church of Norway bishops
Oslo (ENI 21.10.10). The (Lutheran) Church of Norway has for the first time elected a woman as its presiding bishop, although her tenure is for an interim period, the Norwegian News Agency (NTB) reports. Bishop Helga Haugland Byfuglien of Borg is to succeed Bishop Olav Skjaevesland of Agder, who has held the post since 2006, the bishops' conference in Norway said. Byfuglien's term will end in mid-2011, as the Church of Norway then will have its first permanent presiding bishop based in the country's ancient ecclesiastical capital of Nidaros or Trondheim as it is known now.

US Catholics approve baptism accord with Reformed churches
Baltimore, Maryland (ENInews/RNS 19.11.10). The U.S. Roman Catholic bishops on has approved a mutual agreement with four Reformed Protestant denominations to recognize each other's baptisms as valid, a pact that was six years in the making. Gathered here for their annual autumn meeting, the bishops voted 204-11 to approve the baptism agreement with the Presbyterian Church (USA), the Reformed Church in America, the Christian Reformed Church, and the United Church of Christ, Religion News Service reports. Archbishop Wilton Gregory of Atlanta, chairman of the ecumenical and interfaith committee of the U.S. Conference of Catholic Bishops, called the agreement a "milestone on the ecumenical journey."

News on Churches and LGBT

Dominican Republic’s Cardinal rails gays (Dominican Today 30.9.10)
Santo Domingo - Dominican Republic’s Catholic cardinal affirmed Wednesday that he’ll oppose “until death” same sex marriages, gays in the military and abortion, comparing them with the crime and drug trafficking he said are challenges society must face.
“We disagree with homosexuals in the Armed Forces. Once a colonel starts flirting with a general the line of command is finished," said Nicolas de Jesus Lopez Rodriguez. [...]
The Santo Domingo Archbishop also called the international organizations “good for nothing comedians” who “scheme” a macabre plan to exterminate humanity.
“God forbid that what’s being plotted in the world, through congresses and parliaments by nongovernment institutions, which is a perverse, macabre and insolent plan, God forbid its materialization, because the intention is to end with, to erase all of what’s the Judea-Christian tradition from the map, because what they seek is to pervert, damage and corrupt everything,” the Cardinal said.
***
Colonels and generals flirting, indeed! That risk is the same with heterosexuals where women can become soldiers and has nothing to do with homosexuality as such. The Cardinal only erected a straw man, didn't he?

Rwanda: Anglican Archbishop-Elect Vows to Fight Gay Marriage (allAfrica.com 30.9.10)
Kigali - Archbishop elect, Onesphore Rwaje, who is set to succeed Anglican Archbishop Emmanuel Kolini in January, 2011, has vowed to follow in his predecessor's footsteps by taking a firm stand against homosexuality. [...]
Rwaje said homosexuality was a practice introduced by individuals who wanted to secularize theology. [...]
Archbishop Kolini is one of the African church leaders who took a strong stance against gay marriage, which resulted in Rwanda Anglican church province joining a splinter group.
Kolini has in the past referred to homosexuality as "moral Genocide" among Christians, and a new form of "cultural imperialism".
***
MadPriest comments on this piece of news.

Washington DC Methodist Church approves same-sex marriages (PinkNews 8.10.10)
Worshippers at Washington DC's Foundry United Methodist Church voted 367 to 8 [...] to allow same-sex marriages to take place at the church and to allow its clergy to perform said ceremonies.
[...] the progressive church has long been a champion of LGBT inclusion and in making this move, has put itself in conflict with United Methodist Church rules which do not allow ceremonies that "celebrate homosexual unions".
John R. Schol, bishop of the United Methodist's Baltimore-Washington region, wrote to the church's congregation saying [...] "As a bishop of the church I am responsible for upholding our Book of Discipline and will process and follow through with any complaint or charge against a United Methodist clergyperson of the Baltimore-Washington Conference who performs a same gender wedding or holy union."

The Church of Sweden will perform same-sex weddings

The (Lutheran) Church of Sweden decided yesterday, 22.10.09, to allow same-sex weddings to be performed within the Church, starting as (surprisingly) early as November. The decision does not mean, however, that pastors that are consciencous objectors are forced to perform such weddings against their beliefs.
This decision has, not unexpectedly, kindled much critizism both from within and from without. Catholic and Orthodox groups have expressed their "sadness" in a joint statement, and the (Anglican) Church of England is worried about what this will do to the Porvoo Communion.
They are, of course, entitled to their opinions. This is, however, just that - a difference of opinion. There are many others that have been overcome or are ignored - sacraments, priesthood, apostolic succession, the role of the Bible and of tradition, the institution of the Pope, the roles of the Virgin Mary and the other saints etc. This one - the embracement, acceptance, non-acceptance or damnation of non-heterosexuals - is cumbersome because it is new, nothing more.

I welcome the Swedes' decision!

Ja till samkönade äktenskap (Kyrkpressen 22.10.09)
Svenska kyrkan godkände vigsel för par av samma kön (Kyrklig tidningstjänst 22.10.09)
Samaa sukupuolta olevien parien kirkollinen vihkiminen hyväksyttiin Ruotsissa (Kirkon tiedotuskeskus 22.10.09)
Sweden allows gay couples to marry in church (PinkNews 22.10.09)
Wejryd: Inga präster ska tvingas att viga (Dagen 23.10.09)
Homoäktenskap i Kyrkan #1: Länkar (Antigayretorik 23.10.09)
Homoäktenskap i Kyrkan #2: I väntan på katastrofen (Antigayretorik 23.10.09)
Homoäktenskap i Kyrkan #3: Varför splittring just nu? (Antigayretorik 23.10.09)
Katolsk-ortodox reaktion på svenska kyrkans beslut (Charlotte Therese 23.10.09)

Sweden: Many "No":s to same-sex weddings in church

The Swedish Pentecostal newspaper Dagen ("The Day") has made a survey of what the different religions and denominations will do with same-sex couples coming to them, asking to be married. Not surprisingly, most didn't want to perform such a ceremony. The by far largest denomination in the country, the (Lutheran) Church of Sweden, is, however, positive to this development. And then there is the third group, who haven't made their minds up yet.
The list of the different religious groups can be found here in Swedish, but to mention some:

YES:
The Church of Sweden
The Jews
The Quakers

NO:
The Roman Catholic Church
The different Orthodox churches
The free churches, including e.g. Pentecostals, Seventh-Day Adventist, Methodists, the Salvation Army and some Lutheran organisations
The Moslems
The Mormons
The Jehovah's Witnesses

DUNNO:
Anglicans
Baptists
Baha'i
The Scientology Church
Some Lutheran organisations

There is also the question what to do with consciencious objectors, i.e. pastors who refuse to marry same-sex couples.
In many of the above religious groups, there is an ongoing discussion about the right to perform marriages - should our church retain that right or give it up? Does the right to perform marriages include an obligation for the individual pastor to do so? Should the right to perform marriages no longer be a question for a whole denomination, but rather given individually to those pastors who have no objections to marrying anyone that the state deems worthy? These questions are far from being solved.